It’s Friday night and I’m posted up on the couch, there’s a pizza on it’s way and I just turned on The Holiday. I have no plans to move from this spot and I couldn’t be happier with this situation. I remember when Friday nights consisted of tight dresses and being out until 2AM. Thankfully nowadays I put more value on a night of solitude than entertaining the drunk guy whose values are built around his unshakable belief that “Saturdays are for the boys.” Mmmm, growth.
I’ve been concentrating on growth a lot lately. It’s interesting how loss can do that to a person. Losing my dad was my biggest fear. The rabbit hole I’d go down as a little girl, keeping me up at night as my unreasonable thoughts would play on a loop. The most surprising thing about losing him is how alive I feel. That feels morbid and wrong to say but it’s true. The awareness of how precarious life is has jolted me awake like a shock to the nervous system.
It’s a very odd feeling when you realize your biggest fear is now your every day reality. I’ve been searching the Thesaurus for five minutes now trying to find the right words to describe it but there are none. The first time I was able to really wrap my head around it I was on a walk through my neighborhood and the awareness hit me like a tidal wave, knocking me to my knees right there in the middle of a baseball field.
It’s really easy to be mad at God during times like this. Really easy. And to be honest, no one would blame me. It’s a logical reaction when the pain you feel is so real. But one area of growth I’m really concentrating on is feeling more and thinking less. More listening to my heart and less to the critic in my head. I’m finding the more I listen to my heart, the less I allow my fears to take over. I don’t know about you but I rather be known for my tender, honest heart than my critical thinking skills.
I could choose to go through life shaking my fist at the sky, screaming out why I’m justified to do so, or I could choose to live my life from a place of grace and love. The keyword being choose.
Life is a lot like Google Earth (just go with me on this). We have the ability to zoom-in on one thing veeerrrry closely. We can choose to focus on one event, one conversation or one tragedy and stay enveloped in all those emotions for as long as we want. Or, we can zoom-out to gain a new perspective. And if we keep zooming out, we see how all the dots connect. It’s not until we pull up from this tunnel-vision way of thinking/living that we’re able to see all the peaks and valleys, backroads and the very helpful detours.
I could choose to listen to the voice in my head and dwell on how this isn’t fair, or I could silence that tyrant and lean in to what my heart knows is true. That every thing I’ve experienced prior, every trial, every setback, every relationship, was meant to prepare me for the jarring moment when my biggest fear became my reality. If I remove even one experience, one heartbreak or one victory, I would strip away the strength that has kept me standing tall. The strength that lays deep, deep in my bones.
So, what are you listening to? Your head or your heart? Having this self-awareness is life-changing. I dare you to get really honest right now and ask yourself: What do I base my decisions on when it comes to the important stuff? When it comes to love, forgiveness, grace, or taking a leap of faith? What lens do I choose to look through? Is my pride the one calling the shots? Does my ego drive my life? Is it fear that keeps me playing small? Or, is it love?
Really think about this because I want to know. Send me a text, give me a call, or leave a comment. Let’s dive deep.